


Winds of Change

by kivutio



Category: Kane and Feels (Podcast)
Genre: Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Mild spoilers from the first episode of the second season, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-25
Updated: 2019-11-25
Packaged: 2021-03-03 03:02:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,080
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21559669
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kivutio/pseuds/kivutio
Summary: Kane and Feels talk it out like two grown ass men they are. Well, they try to, at least.Also, there is tea involved at some point.
Comments: 6
Kudos: 25





	Winds of Change

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Krzeslicko](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Krzeslicko/gifts).

> I still don’t know how punctuation works in English, so excuse all the extra commas.

They’ve found themselves at a loss for words at the beach, the waves pushing and pulling at fixed intervals, unbothered by the suffocating silence surrounding the two figures currently standing in front of each other. How they ended up like this, Lucifer couldn’t currently fathom, but there were so many more things he couldn’t understand at the moment that he couldn’t find it in himself to feel surprise.

He couldn’t for the life of him, for one, understand why Brutus would be looking at him like that with those big eyes of his. They were burning with a flame that threatened to swallow Lucifer whole, leaving no more than smoking bones in his wake, and yet the look on his face was still so painfully full of understanding. It was a combination that probably only Brutus Feels was capable of.

“You look good” Brutus was the first to disturb the quiet, his voice sharp as the edge of a blade. It cut deeper than Lucifer expected it to. He tried not to let it show and it looked like he succeeded because Brutus’ brow twitched in a way that always meant trouble.

“Thank you. So anyway, I was looking into these strange disappearances…” Goodness, he was so awkward. He coughed to cover it up and tried to speak up again but Brutus was faster.

“I see.” Even the desert wasn’t as dry as his tone. “And let me guess. You magically found yourself in this exact spot.”

“That’s exactly what happened, actually. I suppose it was the same for you, too?”

“Yes. And to Alice, too. She called me just now, you know. She’s on her way here, so stick around if you want to see her.”

“Really? Now, that’s interesting. How is she doing, by the way? I hope she’s recovered well?” This seemed to snap something in Brutus, who now looked furious. He was clenching his fists so hard they were almost white. Lucifer focused on this part of him so as not to look him in the eyes, he doubted he would be strong enough to survive it if he looked.

They fell quiet, then, but it was a tense thing and Lucifer knew it wasn’t going to last.

“You know what? No! No, she hasn’t! And you don’t actually look good, Kane, I lied. Tried to be nice but you make it so damn hard not to punch you in the face! You look like shit and I’ll be damned if I let you do this to yourself again. I’m done.” And so he went on, raising his voice every few syllables, getting redder and redder from the lack of air but Lucifer stopped paying attention after that.

‘Kane’. Brutus called him that, even though he usually used his first name, even when he was cross with him. ‘Kane’ was reserved to anyone _ but _ Brutus Feels, the only person who got to call him that whenever he wanted. Despite that, Brutus willingly chose not to do so this time and that fact made Lucifer burn from the inside out. It brought an awful thought at the front of his mind, a thought he buried many years ago and hoped to never visit that part of his past again. A thought coming from a time before Brutus found him.

The time before Brutus Feels.

He was getting punched.

The air was being sucked out of his lungs.

_Was _ he getting punched?

It was hard to tell, with the sudden lack of sunlight.

Why was it dark? Was it night time already?

How strange.

There was light earlier. There weren’t even clouds.

Maybe it’s the coast. That would explain.

The seaside does what it wants.

Something cold and wet under his cheek.

He was flying. It didn’t make any sense.

He was just laying somewhere.Maybe the beach.

But that didn’t make sense either.

Why would he be laying on a beach?

There was ringing all around him now. It devoured everything but a weird buzz.

It reminded him of honey.

The smell of roses.

Something warm on his chest.

The darkness came before he understood why it all felt familiar.

***

He came to in a room smelling of fried food, old memories and sweat. Mostly his. The mixture almost made him throw up.

“You’re finally up”, said disembodied voice of Brutus Feels from somewhere behind him. Lucifer wished, not for the first time, for the ability to read him. Wished for Brutus to open up to him more so that he would understand him whole, just like Brutus seemed to understand him sometimes.

Then, there was a rustling sound and suddenly a strong hand pulled him up to a sitting position and forcefully pushed a cup full of tea into his shaking hands. It wasn’t gentle but Lucifer welcomed it anyway, losing himself in the warmth of the beverage. Goodness, he was so cold.

Now he had evidence that Brutus still cared, at least enough not to let him suffocate at a cold beach in this cursed little town. That was enough. Had to be.

“What happened there, Luce? One moment you were fine and the other you were lying on the ground, barely breathing. Did something happen before we met? Were you hurt?”. He was still mad, as much was obvious in the pitch of his voice and the stiffness of his shoulders, even as he sat down on a chair with a teacup in his right hand. Despite that, Lucifer couldn’t be happier.

“I…” He hesitated, unsure of whether to uncover so much of himself but it was Feels, he decided. Gentle, if at times dense Feels, a man he could trust with his whole life. That’s why… “I believe I experienced something people call a ‘panic attack’, Brutus. One would think you’d be aware of what that is,” he joked faintly, trying to decrease the tension, although he doubted it would work. To his surprise, Brutus did answer his jab.

“Figured as much. To be honest I just wasn’t sure if you’d want to talk about it. Wouldn’t want to damage your fragile ego”, his frigid tone turned teasing for a second but the moment quickly melted away. Worth a try.

“How considerate of you.”

“Yeah, not feeling that at the moment, sorry.” He did not look apologetic.

“So, care to share how we ended up here? I doubt you own a place like this, especially not _ here _.”

“I know a guy. You’d be surprised how far being kind and actually talking to people can take you in life. You should try that sometimes, Kane. It really makes your life ten times easier.” And they were back to the square one. Splendid.

“I’m not sure I want to. And honestly, you’re so much better at it than I am, Brutus. I think I will just leave the ‘talking to people’ part to you.” He was pushing it, he realised it as soon as the words left his mouth. Why couldn’t he just keep it shut?

“Alright, I’m too tired for this shit so let’s just stop beating around the bush, shall we? I see you’re better now so start talking. I think I deserve an explanation and if not that, at least give me an apology.”

Truth be told, Kane wasn’t sure himself why he ran away that night. No, that’s a lie, he did know. He was simply unwilling to share as much with Feels, especially not when his partner was furious with him. He had to, though, if he wanted to make things right between them. Unfortunately, Brutus beat him to it. again.

“I think, and that is just a wild guess, that you felt guilty. We’d both almost died there. Not to mention poor Alice, the girl was traumatised. I think you felt guilty for not being able to save everybody like you usually do.”

“No. Well, at least, that’s not all of it.” He stopped for a while, gathering his thoughts and avoiding any eye contact, that would just make the whole thing awkward. Well, more awkward. “I was… overwhelmed, I suppose is the right word, by all that happened, and needed some time alone to calm my mind.” A lie. He ran away, like a coward he was.

He could face an unknown entity that was more than likely to kill him but he wasn’t able to come to terms with the fact that he didn’t really know what he was doing most of the time, and that he had almost cost Brutus his life. He had almost lost his only friend, the only person who had the ability to anchor him to this world, who could ensure he was really, truly there. His arrogance had almost cost him his family. His Rock.

That’s why he ran without turning back, only realising what he had done hundreds of miles too late, when he already had no choice but to continue onwards. He had made his choice and he would have to live with it now.

“Did you even stop to think of me?” Brutus’ voice cracked at the end there and it made Lucifer’s eyes burn. He promptly, albeit discreetly, dried the tears that threatened to spill from his treacherous eyes. And if his hands trembled from something else than exhaustion, that was only for him to know.

He tried to answer, then, he really did but his voice was stuck in a prison made of fear and years of repressed emotions. The silence that then fell over them was so thick that even he could tell it was not good, but there must have been something showing on his face because Brutus’ gaze softened, if only a little bit. It was enough for Lucifer to know he was understood.

“Just… Don’t do that shit again. Please.” His voice sounded so fragile and who would have thought Lucifer Kane would live to see the day when he would care for that.

Listening to Brutus burned but he knew he deserved it in the same way he knew that they both needed each other’s presence to live. It is a truth universally acknowledged, after all, that it doesn’t take long for the Rock to start sinking when left alone, and that the Shaman cannot exist without his anchor to keep him grounded. Who could argue with that.

They simply stopped to sip their tea after that, and the silence that fell on them was the most beautiful one yet. He finally stopped suffocating on nothing but air and it felt amazing. He took a deep breath through his nose.

“If you ever want to do this kind of crap again, then that’s fine, I won’t stop you.” Brutus’ words threw him off his guard again. He had a knack for surprising him, it seemed. “But at least warn me beforehand. I won’t even ask you to take me with you, but please,” he begged and his eyes reminded Lucifer of a stormy sky seconds before the clouds open up and soak every single person underneath them. “Do not leave me alone like that again.”

“That, I,” his voice broke, and he could neither hide nor fight it. We wanted to, but he couldn’t possibly promise that, not in their line of work. Not when he carried so much fear inside of himself. “I can try.”

It wasn’t much, and it probably wasn’t what Brutus had wanted to hear, what he wanted from him, but it was a start.

Lucifer raised his eyes, then, to finally look at his partner and immediately regretted the choice. Brutus’ smile looked so brittle and misplaced on his usually strong features that it took every inch of Lucifer’s strength not to get up and dash in the direction of an exit at the exact same moment. But he didn’t. He didn’t deserve to look away now, anyway.

“Brutus, I promise you that I _ will _ try”, he swore quietly. He needed Brutus to understand that it was all he could give him now. “And for what it’s worth… I truly am sorry.”

“I know, Luce. I know you are.”

That’s all they could say before a little girl barged in with fresh cups of tea in hand and a half worried half annoyed look on her face.

And that was it. There was still much left to say between them but that could wait another day.

They had a case to crack and people to save.


End file.
